Wednesday, December 26, 2012


Guy: That's one thing I'll never understand about you. How you can watch the same episodes of 'Martin' over and fucking over and over again.

Me: Practice.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

CPT Time

Guy: Dinosaurs drowned during the great Flood.
Me: What?
Guy: They were too late so they only had room for the elephants. You know why?
Me: No.
Guy: Beacuse they were on CPT time...Crustaceous Period Time.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Say caviar

Me: If I won the lottery I'd be live on a boat and be a degenerate for three years. I'd be like, "Let's have caviar for dinner!"

Guy: You don't eat caviar.

Me: But I would say it!

Friday, August 17, 2012

You can't go back again

Guy: You ate an avocado?

Me: Yes.

Guy: You ate the whole avocado? Why didn't you save me some?

Me: How was I gonna save it? There's no turning back once you cut an avocado!

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Stickin' Chicken

Guy: ....
Me: Chicken wings should be on a stick. We could call it "Stickin' Wings".
Guy: Unbelievable.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Colonial Times

Me: Why the hell would I want to go to Williamsburg? So you can sell me?
Guy: I don't think the Hipsters are that bad, hon.

Saturday, March 3, 2012


Me: *reading a YA novel* Oh, no! This is an allegory.
Guy: That's the one that stays in the water.

*FYI- He didn't misunderstand me, he meant a pun on alligator.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Sauerkraut and Miso Soup

Guy: I'm going to have a restaurant with just sauerkraut and miso soup.
Me: You're gonna have a lot of gassy people coming out of there.
Guy: I'm gonna call it Miso Sauer.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Some Pig

Me: Wait, so Asian people watch 'Portlandia'?
Guy: I watch 'Portlandia'.
Me: You're a special kind of Asian.
Guy: Am I like Wilbur the Pig? He's a special pig.
Me: That's some pig.

*A McDonald's chicken commercial has solely Asian folk enjoying chicken. Yeah.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Me: I can't believe it's called 'That's My Jam'.
Guy: That's my Jelly was already taken.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Black Ice

Guy: Oh no, black ice. Black ice is the worst of the bunch.
Me: That's racist.
Guy: Black ice don't give a fuck. Streets till it die.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Defiant Birds

*We were watching Rio*
Guy: Are they doing The Defiant Ones? Which one is Sidney Poitier?
Me, disgustedly: He's not a bird.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Vitamin K pusher

Me: Where do you get Vitamin K?
Guy: On the south by real slow...

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

I have a degree...

Me: Are you sure you know what you're doing?
Guy: I have a degree in this. Not as good as my degree in Black people but a degree nonetheless.

*I give Guy shit for having a "degree in Black people" aka African American studies.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Bunny Eating

Me: Mozzie, don't eat your pain!
Mozzie: *eats more*
Me: I think he ate his pain to cope with us leaving him for a week.
Guy: You're gonna give him a complex...